How I took the pill, stopped it, and reconnected with myself - My journey into holistic womanhood and cyclical living

How I took the pill, stopped it, and reconnected with myself - My journey into holistic womanhood and cyclical living

I was 16 when I started taking birth control pills.

It felt exciting. Finally, I was ready too.

My best friend had been on it for two years already. She had a boyfriend.

I had met a boy I genuinely liked and could imagine going further with than just “making out.”

Taking the pill seemed like the obvious next step.

So I went to see my gynecologist (my best friend had recommended her) and asked for a prescription.

She didn’t explain how the pill actually worked or mention any alternative methods of contraception, and I didn’t think to ask.

She just said this particular pill was light and well-tolerated and gave me the prescription. That was it.

At first, I was too shy to fill it, a bit embarrassed to go into a pharmacy with it.

But eventually, I did.

I took the pill quietly and diligently, always accompanied by a little fear of what might happen if I forgot it—even though we always used a condom as well.

Physically, I didn’t notice any major changes. I didn’t gain or lose weight and didn’t get any pimples or acne.

So everything seemed fine.

Looking back, I now see that the pill affected me more subtly on a psychological level.

I often felt tired, unmotivated, and somewhat disconnected from myself, but I was too caught up in my teenage life to question it further.

I didn’t really understand that by taking synthetic hormones, I was shutting down my natural cycle and only experiencing a withdrawal bleed each month from pausing the pill.

My delicate, young cycle had only awakened a little over a year earlier.

At 15 and a half, I finally got my first period. I had longed for it, as all the other girls in my class and friend group already had theirs.

I was the last one, and I had cried more than once in my diary, wondering what was wrong with me.

Not knowing any better, I sabotaged my body and its emerging rhythm just a year later.

And society supported me in doing so. Even the health insurance paid for it.

~

I took the pill for four years.

Toward the end, mostly out of habit. I didn’t really need it anymore.

During my university years, I finally started to reflect more deeply on my body and take a more critical look at the pill.

I met other young women who felt the same way. These conversations inspired and encouraged me to follow the inner voice that had been whispering for a while, “Stop taking this—you don’t need it.”

In February 2018, I finally stopped.

And it felt deeply liberating.

It was as if a hazy veil lifted from me and my inner perception—a veil I hadn’t even known was there. It had just seemed normal.

But now I could feel myself.

Deep, awake, alive, and clear.

As if a switch had been flipped inside me, activating my intuitive, highly sensitive, spiritual senses.

I began practicing yoga asanas daily and meditating intuitively.

Gradually, I developed my own morning self-love practice.

I started reading books like “Women Who Run with the Wolves”, “The Geography of the Goddess”, “Chakras”…

And I waited longingly and a bit anxiously for my second “first real period”. It took its time—just like the very first time.

~

About six months after quitting the pill, I finally bled. What a relief!

Then it took another six months until the next time, and again.

Friends who had also come off the pill seemed to get their periods regularly.

When I spoke to my gynecologist about it, she simply said that my situation wasn’t unusual and that everything was fine.

That was it. No further discussion of nutrition, mental health, environmental factors, natural herbs for support, or anything else… and I didn’t ask either.

So I kept waiting and focused on nurturing myself and exploring my intuition.

Gradually, the gaps between cycles became shorter.

Looking back, I now see this period of around three years as a kind of initiation phase.

~

Just like at 15, I longed for my menstruation—but this time, I slowly began to sense the wisdom and power of my own body and cycle, getting to know them more closely.

What was I really longing for, and why?

I learned to trust my female body and to treat her—and myself—with compassion.

Yoga and aligning with the lunar cycle helped me find a rhythm while my own inner rhythm was still absent.

A little more than two years after coming off the pill, I finally had a relatively regular cycle of 5–6 weeks.

Each time felt like a sacred event. (Though I still hadn’t quite learned to rest during my menstruation phase.)

When I started living with my partner, my cycle shortened to four weeks.

During our first seven-month long-distance phase (me in Germany, him in India), my period stopped entirely.

As soon as I returned to him, I began bleeding monthly again.

~

This is how I started learning that my womb and my whole body are intelligent, sensitive beings that communicate with me through the cycle. It’s up to me whether I choose to listen or not.

Then I became pregnant. It wasn’t planned, but very welcome.

The experiences of pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and motherhood deepened my relationship, trust, and love for my female body.

Eleven months after our daughter was born, I got my third first period.

Since then, I’ve had a regular, pain-free cycle of 28–31 days (mostly).

Through my own experiences and reflections, cycle awareness and mindfulness have become topics truly close to my heart.

Yes, I’m aware of my privileges. I grew up in a country and time where good medical care is standard and where the cost is even covered by society.

In an environment where a young woman is free to explore and express her sexuality without the risk of an unwanted pregnancy.

With access to education and knowledge to inform myself.

Still, sometimes I feel sadness and anger that, as a young girl, I wasn’t consciously initiated into this new phase of life and was left alone with many unspoken questions—or didn’t even know these questions existed.

Due to this lack of knowledge and reverence for the female cycle, I robbed myself of the experience of observing and getting to know my body’s natural rhythm as it awakened—of getting to know myself through it and trusting my body’s wisdom.

Instead, unknowingly, I followed a trend that largely distrusts the wisdom of the female body and seeks to control it.

~

I later reclaimed my initiation in a way—twice.

Once after stopping the pill, and again when I became a mother.

A years-long process and ongoing journey.

I’m grateful for all that I’ve learned on this path and all that I continue to learn.

And I wish for my daughter that she won’t have to take the detours I did in order to learn to trust her body, cycle and intuition.

with love

Pauline Käthe